Copy of Self-Care Guilt- How Does it Impact You?

I’m storytelling in this one, in hopes that some of you may be able to identify some harmful patterns in your own lives that you’re absolutely able to take control of now!

So, in last week’s blog post we discussed the difference between self-love and self-care. Today I want to piggyback on those ideas and discuss the unspoken guilt about self-care in our society.

            I don’t know about you, but I know that in the past when I’ve needed a day off from work or school for the purpose of preserving my own mental health, I’ve had to lie. Is it not just as important to ensure that my mind and spirit are healthy, the way I would need to ensure my body was healthy before returning to life as usual after the flu or a cold? I recall never being able to understand this even as a teenager, and was disappointed to see that it carried through my years in college, graduate school, and every job I’ve ever had (even while working in the mental health field!). While I certainly had some bosses who would have been more than understanding if I had just said I needed a mental health day (and some were- one would even set an example and take a mental health day now and again), I still had coworkers, clients, or upper-level administration whom would not have been so gracious. This often made me feel as though I needed validation from others that I was “ill enough” to justify missing a shift at work. This got me thinking- why should I be putting work ahead of my own well-being, especially when I’m preaching self-care to my clients?

            This is the depth of disregard for mental health and self-care our work has. I know everyone’s experience is their own, but I’ll go ahead and use myself as an example hoping that others can relate. The day-to-day reality of internalized shame patterns around my own self-care looked something like this: 

·     Ignore and repress my own feelings until they reached a boiling point, at which time I would have a meltdown. This would often result in me not taking good care of myself until I got sick or injured, which was essentially my body trying to get my attention and tell me I needed to slow down.

·     Completely shut down for a day or two, because I couldn’t focus on anything else, but I wasn’t doing anything to recharge either.

·     While I was in that shut down state, I wasn’t even able to fully recharge my battery because I was vacillating between checking out and being anxious about the things I wasn’t doing because I just didn’t have the energy or mental capacity. My body, mind, and soul felt completely separate from each other and I had no clue how to begin bringing them back together and restoring a sense of normalcy. I thus would sink further into helplessness, which just made me want to shut down more. It would also take significantly more energy to repress whatever emotions were coming up, which they were more often because I was so burnt out.

·      I thus became irritable, and got to a point where I didn’t know what to do with myself outside of work. I allowed people to treat me in ways I didn’t deserve to be treated, because I was too exhausted and shut off from myself to demand or seek something better. The actions of those people just reinforced my belief that something was wrong with me. And guess what? Something WAS wrong with me. Guilt and negative self-beliefs were getting in the way of engaging in useful, productive self-care.

 

With a significant amount of my own work in therapy and dharma school, meeting with life and business coaches, biting the bullet and getting out of toxic work environments and into self-employment, a daily yoga practice, breaks from social media, reading, audiobooks/podcasts, and regular journaling and meditation, I’ve been able to engage in much better self-care. But it was not overnight, and it was in spite of the cultural messages I was receiving about self-care both at work and outside of work. To most of my friends throughout my twenties, “self-care” looked like thinly veiled binge drinking or just checking out on Netflix for hours and taking naps. While these things can sometimes help us shut our brains off to recharge, I couldn’t do it all the time. I knew I needed more.

            This is an invitation to you to pay attention to your own self-care: is it actually recharging you? What messages are your receiving in your daily life about self-care? Are they congruent with your values around self-care? While it’s certainly noble to work hard and make ends meet, there’s no glory in completely draining yourself and becoming irritable and reactive towards the people around you, or withdrawing into victimhood. This means you’re hurting people by lashing out at them, and hurting the community by not sharing your gifts.

            If you’re a woman who is local to Central CT and want to change your self-care, January 2019 is the time for you! I will be running a six-week Goddess group designed around the Goddess archetypes, how they apply to the modern woman, and how women can come together in community. We will specifically be addressing how self-care guilt is culturally passed on to women in the USA, and how to make small mindset/realistic lifestyle changes to live a life connected to purpose. If you’re interested in learning more, please contact me directly at rebecca@mhccholistichealth.hush.com.

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

June Essential Oil: Lavender and Journaling

By now you’ve probably heard a fair amount about essential oils and how they can be beneficial for a litany of ailments and daily needs. You’ve likely seen me talk about oils, especially in how they can aid in trauma recovery and emotional healing. There’s definitely a ton of information out there about essential oils, and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and confused. 

 

I’d like to suggest some ways in which essential oils can be used to help trauma recovery and emotional wellness throughout this series, especially in conjunction with one of my favorite self-care practices- journaling!

 

If you’re on a path to emotional healing, it’s likely you’re doing some form of journaling practice. If not, it’s never too late to start! Get on my mailing list to access journal prompts, an intro to journaling delivered straight to your inbox, and for discounts on my ebooks and courses.

 

While you’re journaling, it’s wonderful to be engaging in some sort of aromatherapy to help you relax and access repressed thoughts, narratives, and emotions. My favorite oils to diffuse while journaling are lavender, clary sage, citrus bloom, or wild orange. My favorite oils to wear while journaling are Breathe Touch (on my forehead and cheeks), Lavender Touch behind my ears, and Whisper under my nose or on my wrists. The aromas unlock subconscious channels which can allow additional release of subconscious narratives which block our success.

 

Journaling with essential oils helps identify, purge, and feel comfortable with emotion and vulnerability, especially when lavender is involved. Concentration can be increased as well when oils are being diffused during a journaling and general self-care practice. When in a place of trauma reaction and fight/flight/freeze, no focus or learning can take place. The mechanisms in the brain responsible for learning and integrating new information actually shut down. Essential oils can help ground and remind you of your safety, and allow for deeper healing to naturally occur. You’re being supported by gifts from the earth.

 

If you want to learn more about using essential oils while journaling, stay tuned to my blog, join my mailing list, and reach out to me directly. My email is Rebecca@nestcoaching.org.

 

To purchase oils, click here.

 

To join a team of like-minded business owners bringing emotional healing through essential oils, contact me directly at the above listed email for an interview and onboarding!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC   Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.    Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

June Oil of the Month: Lavender!

I’m so excited to be able to talk to you all each week about essential oils and how they can have a profound impact on trauma recovery and emotional wellness. This month, I want to focus on the “king” of all essential oils- lavender! It’s so versatile- it can help with cuts and burns, cleaning, and tons of household uses.

For the sake of staying aligned with my purpose, I want to focus mostly on using essential oils for emotional healing and trauma recovery. I’ll likely touch on the other uses of essential oils at some point in my blogging journey, but that’s because I’m a holistic health practitioner who also recognizes the need for general self-care.

Lavender is known for its calming benefits. According to Sayorwan W., et al, lavender can reduce blood pressure, heart rate, and skin temperature. This can greatly decrease nervous system arousal by using the olfactory glands to stimulate the amygdala. Amygdala stimulation sends a message to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the mechanism in the brain which allows you to calm down after your brain has detected a threat and responded with the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight response is ultimately activated by the amygdala as well, so it’s easy to see why aromatherapy, especially lavender essential oil, is so beneficial for grounding when a trauma survivor is triggered.

Isn’t it gorgeous?!

Isn’t it gorgeous?!

According to Essential Emotions, LLC, people become disconnected from themselves due to trauma and trying to manage the brain’s response to trauma. If you are working to improve communication and connect to yourself in a deeper way, lavender can be a wonderful supplement to support your practice. I can’t stress enough that these oils are not magic cure-alls; they’re also not “snake oil.” The onus is still on the user to be doing other things, such as meditating, journaling, therapy/coaching, and exercise/yoga which will allow for this healing to take place. Essential oils in general, but especially lavender, can be grounding and calming while going into this deep healing work.

If you are someone with a lengthy history of not expressing yourself for fear of rejection or shame, there’s a strong chance (sometimes, but not always) that you may have some attachment trauma and learned this from interactional patterns in your childhood. Lavender is wonderful for calming the internal chatter you’re experiencing enough so that you can heal these wounds, feel confident, and love yourself in the way you’ve been longing to.

If you want to learn more about doing this healing work, contact me for a coaching consultation at Rebecca@nestcoaching.org!

If you’re interested in purchasing lavender or other essential oils to incorporate into your healing journey, click here.

Next week, I’ll be discussing some of doTERRA’s blends which contain lavender and why they are beneficial to emotional healing and trauma recovery. If you’re on a wellness journey, you can’t miss it!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC   Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.    Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

When People Show You Who They Are, Pay Attention!

“When people show you who they are, pay attention.” This is a simple line that means that we often work to see the best in others, sometimes at the expense of ourselves. We ignore the very real and valid feelings we may have about the way others are treating us. We allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, ignore our intuition, and become resentful. 

This is your invitation to ask yourself where this tendency to ignore your intuition came from. Why do you feel the need to always give others the benefit of the doubt? How can you tell they’re deserving? What if some people just aren’t respectful of you and therefore are deserving of a strong dose of reality, so that they can grow? What if that doesn’t mean anything about you or them, and you’re allowed to speak up or not be so damn accommodating all the time?

Lisa Nicholls, personal empowerment guru, tells us we need to show the world how to love us. It’s our job to be the first example of how people should be treating us and how they should behave around us. What message is it sending if you accept less than you deserve? What is your bare minimum expectation for how the ones you love or value most to treat you? How does this differ from how you are willing to treat yourself? What’s a better way to show the world how to love you, and what are the barriers to making that happen? How do you show you how to love you, and how does that carry over into the rest of the world?

If you need help learning to love yourself, and learning to show the world how to love you, please reach out to me directly at either rebecca@nestcoaching.org(for coaching support) or rebecca@mhccholistichealth.hush.comfor more formal psychotherapy (which can be covered by insurance depending on your individual benefits).

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

May Oil of the Month! Cypress!

CYPRESS! DoTERRA’s oil of the month this month is Cypress! I’m excited about it because I’ve been wanting to learn more about it myself, and I just placed my monthly order which means I get it for free in addition to my order! 

According to my reading from Emotions and Essential Oils, Cypress is believed to create an energetic flow and emotional catharsis. This is exciting because it’s a necessary component of trauma healing and a huge area of focus with my coaching clients. According to the book, “this oil is especially indicated for individuals who are mentally or emotionally stuck, stiff, rigid, tense, overstriving, or have perfectionistic tendencies.” This attempt to control is due to fear of surrender- in my coaching practice I work specifically with clients through shamanic healing, energy work, and essential oils to help clients see that surrender is beautiful, freeing, and often allows for creative energy to flow through! The result is more fulfillment and less fear and anxiety. 

If you’re interested in seeing how Cypress or any of my other favorite oils can be helpful in your journey to emotional wellness, contact me at Rebecca@nestcoaching.orgto set up your free, 30-minute Zoom consultation! Essential Oil consultations are also an optional component of all coaching and energy healing sessions with me, and I have a few spots left for this month before I leave for Peru! Get on my calendar today!

Oh and don’t forget to place your orders for essential oils by the 15th- If you order 125 PV as part of a loyalty order before the 15th of each month, you’ll receive the product of the month free! And if you want monthly business coaching by me FOR FREE, you can apply to join my team of energy and emotional healers! To order, visit my.doterra.com/rebeccatoner1 and to apply to be on my team, email me directly!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC   Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.    Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

How to Supercharge Your Growth in Between Sessions!

Therapy and coaching both require the client do some healvy lifting outside of sessions, in very different ways. Reality is, those appointments are 60-90 minutes at most, and it’s really hard to cram everything from the last 1-2 or several weeks into such a small amount of time.

It’s definitely helpful to spend some time before your appointment thinking about what you want to work on so that you can make the best use of your session. It’s also a great idea to take notes in your session (sometimes I’m even nice enough to do this for my clients if it means they stay in the moment and keep processing but will need to refer back to something later on). If in therapy, you can ask your therapist for homework or use your notes to expand on your processing between sessions.

If you’re working with a coach, your coach should be asking thought-provoking questions that help you generate an action plan for your own self. They should also be providing accountability and encouragement, and helping you to decide how you will reach out for support if needed. Some people choose to work with both a therapist and a coach at the same time for an extra opportunity to grow in different ways. 

I’m also a big fan of journaling (for myself and for my clients) in between sessions. I like to track my own progress, and journaling does help me reveal new insights. Sometimes, it’s also nice to refer back to old journal entries to see how far I’ve come and keep me moving into new directions. As a therapist, I love it when my clients bring in their journals to read off what they processed that felt significant, as it amplifies therapeutic growth and sometimes gives great material for us to process in session if needed.

I encourage clients to journal at both of my businesses. I encourage them to pick a thought and follow it for at least 10-15 minutes, to see what they get and to go below the surface a little. I invite them to explore what may be bothering them and what they notice happening to their bodies, why that information is relevant, and what they plan to do with what they’ve learned. I also direct them with journal questions or takeaway thought-provoking statements from our sessions where doing so is appropriate and helpful. For some clients, I encourage Pinterest or journal prompt books such as “Practice You,” “List Yourself,” and “The Life Organizer.”

I hope this is helpful in getting you inspired to journal, write, and take control of your own growth both in sessions and outside of sessions.

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

March is Social Media Awareness Month- Week 4

I’d like to wrap up our First Annual Social Media Awareness Month with a list of fun, inspirational social media accounts to follow for positivity or just plain fun!

Instagram:

@soulshineastrology

@gypsyon_

@annacardosoyoga

@prettyandwell

@naturechola

@sophie.jaffe

Facebook:

Pero Like

GoodTherapy

The Gottman Institute

Psychology Today

The Onion

The Animal Rescue Site

Awaken Self & Love

Naughty Shaman

The Red Barn in Durham

The Trauma Project

Thinking Minds

Humans of New York

Unfortunately, I rarely use Pinterest for these purposes (mostly just recipes and hairstyles to be honest), and I have never had a Twitter account, so I can’t offer very many social media accounts that would be useful there but feel free to comment and add your own! I love adding to the list of resources!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

March is Social Media Awareness Month- Week 3

The last two weeks I have been talking about many of the negative aspects of social media, including harmful comments people make, comparing ourselves to other people’s highlight reels, and being inauthentic with our own social media personas. We have challenged ourselves to be more mindful with how we use social media. There are also many gifts that social media can offer us. I am connected to many professional groups related to my various fields though Facebook, and I learn so many new things every day. I find myself inspired by the relatively easy connection to other professionals in my field, who have such fantastic ideas. I also have a personal Instagram account, and I love it for the fact that I can curate most of the content I see and I can be open to all kinds of different inspiration from yoga accounts, silly comedy accounts, artistic accounts, music accounts, etc.

So this week, I want to challenge you to think about the accounts you’re following. Are they inspiring you? Are they leading you down a road that feels like it’s worth your time? If not, what can you get rid of? What do you want to make room for? What emotions are being evoked when you see this content? What do you feel in your body when taking in this content? How will it impact the way you connect with the physical world? If you don't have a car or positive answer for any of these, what would it take to stop following this content?

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

March is Social Media Awareness Month- Week 2

This week, in the spirit of the Social Media Awareness Month we’ve created for March, I want to discuss our individual social media personas. First, Dictionary.com defines “persona” as “the aspect of someone’s character that is presented to or perceived by others.” We all have different personas to get through our days- I think most of us can agree that we are different at work than at home or with our friends. With the advent of social media, it has become the norm to engage with the world from behind screens, picking and choosing the best parts of ourselves to show the world.

The result? We sit with our insecurities while we watch everyone’s highlight reels, taking the things they choose to share for the gospel truth, while comparing ourselves to everyone else. And other people probably aren’t trying to make anyone feel inferior, they’re just proud to show their cute selfie or their new house or car or baby or puppy. But the result is the same.

And don’t even get me started on public comments sections. People find any excuse to bash each other, and turn a mistake, grammatical error, or opinion into a judgement on that person as a whole (and it’s usually a negative one). It’s enough to scare anyone out of commenting or having any sort of opinion on anything. Throw in the misinformation that’s constantly tossed around, and it soon becomes hard to decipher what’s real and what’s not.

So this week, I want to invite you to be mindful of the social media persona you are cultivating through your shares and your comments. Are you being authentic? If not, why? How representative is your social media persona of your true life? Are you compensating for something? What is the intention behind what you’re sharing? Are you finding yourself arguing with or attacking people in the comments? Why? If you’re feeling attacked, what would help you feel better? Do you need to take a break from social media, or set limits with yourself around the time you spend on social media? Are you using it for an intended purpose, or is it just part of a routine/time filler? Is there something you’d rather be doing with that time instead?

I would love to hear your thoughts! If you need help breaking away from social media, or want to start turning your social media persona around to connect with people in a more authentic way, please feel free to reach out directly!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

March is Social Media Awareness Month at MHCC and The Nest!

March is Social Media Awareness Challenge Month at MHCC and The Nest!

At MHCC/The Nest, we’re declaring March the first annual social media awareness month. This month, we will be addressing the harmful impacts of social media, ways to mitigate these impacts, healthy social media diet, and we will also be providing various recommendations for inspirational and informative social media accounts to follow.

            Social media has a deleterious impact on overall emotional well-being. Just scroll through the comments on any public image, video, or article circulating outside of your friend group, and I can guarantee it’s a parade of partially or ill-informed people bashing each other. Society seems to forget that human beings with actual feelings are reading this. Reacist, sexist, homo/transphobic comments about, making it difficult to speak up on issues that may be important to us or the ones we love.

            Social media, by-and-large, seems to squash individuality in favor of conformity to the status quo. People arguing in the comments sections appear hell-bent on conformity or trying to get other parties to think exactly as they do. There is no respectful discourse. Others try to set themselves apart as individuals, and when they go viral, the general public immediately sets to work at imitating or tearing down, rather than creating and being open to inspiration.

            People are less and less connected with each other, and I can’t tell you how many times I go out to restaurants and see entire families scrolling social media rather than connecting to and conversing with each other. It’s almost as if they don’t value each others’ time. We’re all a step removed from each other and use screens as an interface between ourselves and the world. This causes us to have increases in depression, due to unprecedented isolation, and anxiety if we can’t see exactly what others are doing all the time. Because we’re only exposed to the highlight reels in Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat stories, we assume the people behind those stories live those perfect lives 24/7. This creates an issue of comparing ourselves to others, especially celebrities, worse than ever before. Or, one of my favorites, the people with terrible boundaries who share every single moment of the day, when they would never share anything so ridiculous about themselves in the days before social media.

            My call to action for you this week is to take notice of the social media intake you have each day. How much time are you spending on social media apps and sites? How much time are you feeling like you’re really wasting on social media? What would you like to be doing instead? If you didn’t have social media for a whole year, what do you think you could accomplish? Is there a way to compromise? How do you feel about the main accounts you’re following- do they bring you closer to your goals? Journal on these questions, and try to find out exactly what you were looking to get out of following those accounts, and what you’re actually getting out of following them.

In Solidarity, 

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Questions to Ask Yourself to Find Out if Therapy/Coaching are Working For You

It can be challenging to let others in on your problems, goals, and your own perceived shortcomings in making them happen. Here is a small list of thought-provoking questions to help you determine if the process of therapy, or life coaching, is working for you.

 

Is this person hearing me?How do they show it? How do I perceive someone hearing me? Are their behaviors consistent with what I expect?

Is this person genuine? How do I find myself responding physically and emotionally to their energy?

Is this person aligning with/aware of my goals? What skills are they showing in helping me to get there?

Am I noticing changes in myself and the world?

Are their recommendations and support helping me to feel empowered outside of our sessions?

Do I feel as though I can safely share the most difficult moments of my life and the worst things I have ever believed about myself with this person? If not, what is it that feels like it’s getting in the way?

Can I be fully honest with this person?

Are they pushing me by challenging me, or are they just checking in and hearing me vent?  If the latter, is this because they want me to keep coming back for their own secondary gains, or is it because I’m hesitant to go deeper? What would help me feel safer to go deeper?

Is this person acting like they are more of an expert in my life than I am? Do I feel that they can recognize and value my strengths, skills, and struggles?It goes against most therapy and life coach teachings for the coach or therapist to act as if they are the expert in their clients’ daily lives and challenges, so if their ego is getting in the way of your work, it’s time to either confront them or find someone new.

What evaluations and methods are they using? Are they taking the time to properly educate me on them? How do I know they’re working?

How will I know that I have reached my goals?Are my own expectations and benchmarks matching up with theirs? Have we had this conversation?

Do they take the time to educate themselves on things that are important/relevant to me, or do they expect me to constantly be the one educating them?

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

What Do I Actually Need? Therapy vs. Coaching

There may be some confusion about how to get your needs met. You may be aware that you want help, but there is so much conflicting information available it can be hard to figure out where to turn. The over-simplified answer is: if you want to heal the past, get some therapy (which will identify the role your past is playing in the present, and is one way to heal and make changes). Coaching is a way to start making declarations and holding yourself accountable for a new way of showing up to the world- with support from someone who has expertise in a specific area.

To explain further, I am someone who does both. Often, my therapy clients have little insight into the patterns that are playing out in their daily lives. They just know their lives are beginning to feel increasingly out of their control, and that their symptoms are interfering with important areas of functioning. We have to spend a long time examining each small detail related to an issue, as it’s somewhat like a “breadcrumb” trail leading to the root of the problem. We then create therapy goals that are long-term, as well as smaller objectives to implement in effort to reach those goals. So, if I have a client whose main therapy goal is to stop experiencing trauma flashbacks, our objectives may look like: Identify and reprocess trauma memories using EMDR; build a strong coping skills repertoire; and identify a self-care regimen to decrease the likelihood of dissociation. Once we have achieved those goals, we either reassess and create new goals, or agree that the therapeutic relationship is complete and terminate accordingly. This is usually covered by health/behavioral health insurance plans.

Coaching is different. Life/relationship/business coaching is not a place to pick apart and try to heal old trauma. For starters, it’s more loose and free, so treatment plans and formal documentation are not necessary. As a result, insurance plans do not cover life/relationship/business coaching, but they may be tax deductible depending on many factors. Additionally, more of the “work” is done by the client. The life coach asks the client what they would like to spend their time focusing on, and asks a series of thought-provoking questions to help the client arrive at answers that lie within them. They help the client get out of their own heads if they can’t “see the forest for the trees.” Their questions are meant to inspire new thought and help the client incorporate new ways of thinking and approaching the world, their business, spirituality, and/or relationships.

Therapy is more focused on healing past issues, whereas coaching is more focused on supporting the client while they are taking more of the lead. Therefore, each session may have a very different focus in coaching, whereas in therapy/counseling sessions are directed by treatment plans. Coaching can also be used for accountability, but therapy/counseling has an ethical code when using therapy for this purpose while diagnosing and having active treatment plans- which are required for billing insurance.

I have two businesses where I do both. In my private practice, Mental Health Counseling & Consultation Services, LLC, I have a team of therapists who focus on clinical issues- therapy that requires diagnosis, treatment plans (very formal), insurance, therapy notes, and re-evaluation/updating of treatment plans every 90 days. Most of us focus on trauma of some sort and specialize in various types of treatment (such as EMDR). 

The life coaching business I own is called “The Nest Center for Coaching.” In my coaching business, I love to work with women who have processed their old trauma and given up their identity as someone who is ill or a victim, and need support in approaching the world as someone who is well or empowered. I also love to work with women who may have, as a result of early trauma, approached the world from a masculine perspective as a way of subconsciously identifying with those whom they view as more powerful than they are. They refuse to ever be victims again, so they are powerhouses at work but don’t understand why they don’t have the relationships/personal lives they feel they deserve.

I also love to support other clinicians as they move on from their graduate programs, make early moves in their careers, obtain their clinical licenses, and move toward private practice. There, we focus on niching and marketing as well as creating small, realistic plans the client feels are applicable to their daily lives. 

There are key differences between each of these fields, and it may seem that there is overlap between them (because there is). Point being, there are many different ways to receive the help you know you need, but first you may want to spend a little time being absolutely clear with yourself on what you need and the kind of help that would be most beneficial to you. Otherwise, there may be some confusion and a feeling of disappointment or hopelessness resulting from a mistaken belief that no one can help you!

If it sounds like my counseling practice may be able to help you, we do have immediate openings and lots of exciting events and groups happening throughout the year. Check out our website at www.mhccholistichealth.orgor email me directly at Rebecca@mhccholistichealth.hush.com. If my coaching services sound like they’re more your speed, visit my other website at www.nestcoaching.orgor email me directly at rebecca@nestcoaching.org

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Mindful Monday

Today’s mindfulness resource is a wealth of brief guided meditations to help you take control of your day before it runs away without you! These resources are great to use first thing in the morning, throughout the day when your brain needs a break or you’re getting overwhelmed, or when you’re trying to decompress after a long day. Enjoy!

https://www.mindful.org/audio-resources-for-mindfulness-meditation/

Seasonal Affective Disorder Series Part II: How SAD Impacts Other Conditions

Last week, I briefly defined Seasonal Affective Disorder and the very basics of how it works in the winter, and I outlined some of the symptoms most people tend to complain of. This week, I think it’s important to touch on how SAD can impact other conditions.

 

SAD is sometimes tricky because it can have a temporary impact on other mental health conditions. Those suffering from psychotic symptoms, for example, may notice increases in hallucinations, difficulty focusing, harder time waking up (which can be further impacted by medications), weight gain (also an impacted side-effect of medications), or general lethargy. In my practice, I work almost exclusively with clients suffering from PTSD. A hallmark of PTSD can be extended periods of anxiety or depression, which can also be worsened with less access to natural light. In the earlier part of the winter, around the holidays, many of my clients also face trauma/loss anniversaries, triggers from difficult family dynamics, feeling drained by fuller-than-normal social calendars, end-of-year work stuff, etc. And those suffering from bipolar or other mood disorders are even more at risk of depressive periods despite sticking to strict medication, diet, supplement, and exercise regimens. 

 

Maybe reading this information is teaching you something for the first time, or maybe it’s validating something you’ve experienced or are presently experiencing. Either way, these difficulties can make functioning that much more difficult. Now, let’s take a look at some of the impacts of SAD on physical health:

            -weight gain- lethargy, desire to sleep more, and carb/sugar cravings all contribute. This can have lasting impacts on those at risk for diabetes, heart disease, and thyroid issues. 

            -joint pain- For those with fibromyalgia, tick-bourne diseases such as Lyme, arthritis, lupus, etc., winter can be excruciating. We as humans also just have less natural desire to move around in the winter, because it’s way better to stay indoors where it’s warm and bright, which can increase pain. This can be super frustrating to individuals who are used to a more active lifestyle, which can increase hopelessness, frustration, moodiness, and in extreme cases, suicidality. Check on your friends, help them shovel, and make extra effort to connect with those you love whom are struggling, even if it’s not in person (I will get more into natural remedies in next week’s blog). 

            -Headaches- lack of light, wanting to sleep, dietary changes all create the recipe for headaches!

            -other sleep disturbances- because it gets darker earlier, we expose ourselves to more unnatural/blue light after the sun has gone down, especially with technology. This can severely impact sleep (I’ll discuss this more next week as well). Sleep disturbance can cause further weight gain and lethargy during the day, which impacts all areas of functioning and over time, raises cortisol levels in the blood and creates massive health issues.

 

While many doctors recommend medications, I will get into natural remedies and some of the strategies I use to combat the fatigue and moodiness next week! Please stay tuned, and if any of this sounds like you, know that you’re not alone!

 

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Mindful Monday!

Today’s Mindful Monday resource comes from the incredible Brene Brown (seriously, if you haven’t read her work, you should!). She discusses blame, how it impacts our relationships, and what we can do to change this pattern!

https://www.mindful.org/two-lessons-on-blame-from-brene-brown/?fbclid=IwAR3TB_l_IeRGTjanYTvLT-KisGzqAlOECQP_Ko8J8328gBzUNzgWC54atus

If you’re interested in breaking the blame cycle, reach out to us at MHCC! Email me at rebecca@mhccholistichealth.hush.com to get connected with a therapist today!

Mindful Monday

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Today’s Mindful Monday resource comes to us from an article in Time Magazine. The writer delves into the benefits of yoga and its impact on depression and other symptoms of various mental illnesses! Consider this your invitation to start small, be alone with your body, and start repairing your relationship with it by first learning how to listen to it!

http://time.com/4695558/yoga-breathing-depression/?fbclid=IwAR0dTHyFBew2rIyE5kRKgH5fw53qrkjhyPiZMYG1GShJs82_8haImaJsxak

Clinician's Corner: Julie: Take Care of You: You Are the Only One We've Got!

Mental health. Everyone’s favorite topic to do nothing about. 

 

Mental health has such a stigma attached to it despite the knowledge that we need to take care of ours, of others’. But why? We all have our stuff to work through and without that extra help it can become a beast. I have recently started back up my own journey of self-care which includes a weekly dose of therapy. We, in the helping profession, cannot help others before helping ourselves. Hence, don’t put others’ oxygen mask on before yours is on!!

 

Throughout my education I was asked to read a variety of books to help gain a better understanding of a variety of mental illnesses. After all, someday these could be the clients I am working with, right?! Those books turned into so much more than that. Here is a list of the ones that helped me the most. Even though I myself am not diagnosed with any of the topics the books cover they all left something behind, something for me to learn and understand about a person who isdiagnosed with borderline, bipolar, PTSD… 

 

·      “Crazy” by Peter Earley:Former Washington Post reporter Pete Earley had written extensively about the criminal justice system. But it was only when his own son- in the throes of a manic episode-broke into a neighbor's house that he learned what happens to mentally ill people who break a law. This is the Earley family's compelling story, a troubling look at bureaucratic apathy and the countless thousands who suffer confinement instead of care, brutal conditions instead of treatment, in the "revolving doors" between hospital and jail. With mass deinstitutionalization, large numbers of state mental patients are homeless or in jail-an experience little better than the horrors of a century ago. Earley takes us directly into that experience-and into that of a father and award-winning journalist trying to fight for a better way.

·      “The Buddha and the Borderline” by Kiera Van Gelder:Kiera Van Gelder's first suicide attempt at the age of twelve marked the onset of her struggles with drug addiction, depression, post-traumatic stress, self-harm, and chaotic romantic relationships-all of which eventually led to doctors' belated diagnosis of borderline personality disorder twenty years later. The Buddha and the Borderline is a window into this mysterious and debilitating condition, an unblinking portrayal of one woman's fight against the emotional devastation of borderline personality disorder. This haunting, intimate memoir chronicles both the devastating period that led to Kiera's eventual diagnosis and her inspirational recovery through therapy, Buddhist spirituality, and a few online dates gone wrong. Kiera's story sheds light on the private struggle to transform suffering into compassion for herself and others, and is essential reading for all seeking to understand what it truly means to recover and reclaim the desire to live.

·      “Tribe” by Sebastian Junger:Decades before the American Revolution, Benjamin Franklin lamented that English settlers were constantly fleeing over to the Indians-but Indians almost never did the same. Tribal society has been exerting an almost gravitational pull on Westerners for hundreds of years, and the reason lies deep in our evolutionary past as a communal species. The most recent example of that attraction is combat veterans who come home to find themselves missing the incredibly intimate bonds of platoon life. The loss of closeness that comes at the end of deployment may explain the high rates of post-traumatic stress disorder suffered by military veterans today. Combining history, psychology, and anthropology, TRIBE explores what we can learn from tribal societies about loyalty, belonging, and the eternal human quest for meaning. It explains the irony that-for many veterans as well as civilians-war feels better than peace, adversity can turn out to be a blessing, and disasters are sometimes remembered more fondly than weddings or tropical vacations. TRIBE explains why we are stronger when we come together, and how that can be achieved even in today's divided world.

·      How to Deal with a Crisis: I just came across this video, and it amazing. Especially for my deafies! Watch it, learn from it, do it.

 

Here is a book that may help those who are lovin’ on someone with a mental illness: When Someone You Love has a Mental Illness by Rebecca Woolis

 

Sometimes you just need to know you are on the right path, that you are doing the best you can despite all of the obstacles life has thrown at you. I often look to Pintrest for inspirational quotes when I need a little pick-me-up, just to remind myself that I am doing a-okay. Here are a couple of favorites from my Pintrest board:

 

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Please reach out for help when you feel like life is too much. We are here to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. If you ever feel that you or someone you know is no longer doing that, do something. Go for a walk, talk to your friend, call your mother. We only get this one life, let’s have a great time while we are here!

I can be reached by phone at 860-431-3825 and email at Juliana@mhccholistichealth.hush.com. Let’s chat!

 Until next time--

Julie Wood, MA, LPC Candidate

How Therapy Helps Unlearn Procedural Learning

Previously in a social media post, I touched very briefly about procedural learning and its implications with trauma. I realize that can sound like a death sentence, and I wanted the chance to explain a little more as someone who works with this material every day. Basically, procedural learning can work both ways- negative things can be unlearned, and then new learning can be put in its place. 

For a solid example and recap of how general procedural learning works, follow this link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0

 

As we become adults, our brains are less plastic than they were when we were kids, meaning it’s somewhat harder to learn new things because our brains are fully formed. Basically, due to our ages as adults, there’s more information to sift through and unlearn. There has to be more time to reinforce that which we know, which means the negative procedural learning of trauma patterns have had more time to be ingrained into our brains.

 

How does the process of unlearning procedural learning begin? Well, we do it small ways fairly often on our own. When we’re trying to do something one way and it doesn’t work, we try a new sequence or new approach until we are able to achieve the results we want.

 

Like the guy in the backwards brain bike video, our brains need time to make new connections. As with the man in the video, this can take months, or even years, with daily practice. The same principles apply in therapy when addressing anxiety and trauma.

 

In sessions, I generally frame it like this: I like to identify a moment when a client had a panic/anxiety attack that had them feeling triggered. We then break down, moment-by-moment, what triggered the reaction and what the steps are to their reaction buildup. We look for patterns, and we discuss which parts feel the worst or most outside of the client’s control. Then, depending on the client’s treatment plan and our already established goals, we either do some sort of talk therapy to identify possible shifts in thinking and behavior that can be made while the client is still feeling like they can manage their response to the trigger. The other option I use is EMDR to reprocess the trigger and the feeling of not being in control. The eye movements in EMDR (more information at www.emdria.org) can help make new neural connections to change where certain procedural memories are stored in the brain, so that the memories can be recalled with an appropriate amount of feeling in a voluntary basis as opposed to involuntary and disproportionate reactions from re-living a trauma.

 

With something like attachment trauma, which is where I specialize, the procedural learning of the trauma reaction (anxiety, dissociation, physical reactions) often happens before the age at which a child is able to speak, and long before they can articulate what they are experiencing. This is usually before the corpus callossum is developed enough for the child to be able to self-soothe. You can imagine that the same patterns throughout that child’s lifetime can create a long, difficult, but very possible road for unlearning reactions to triggers. This process is extremely difficult, but the payoff is beyond worthwhile. It takes patience, daily practice outside of therapy appointments, strong rapport with a good clinician, solid natural supports, and the biggest undertaking of all for those who have attachment trauma- extra kindness toward oneself throughout the entire process.

Procedural learning is just that- learning. While it may take a long time and lots of patience, it can be unlearned and then re-learned. It should be noted that adults often become frustrated during the process because they forget that they are trying to unlearn one thing and re-learn something else simultaneously. I just want you to know, dear reader, that it is NEVER too late, and there is no issue that is “too far gone” if you’re willing to commit to healing and creating a strong relationship with the right therapist. If you’re ready to learn something new that feels more empowering than your usual response to triggers, if you’re ready to commit to a new practice that includes lots of self-love and patience, reach out to a therapist!

Rebecca L. Toner, MA, LPC

Freer of Souls. Connector to Purpose. Healer of Lives.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.

Rebecca Toner, MA, LPC is a group private practice owner, EMDR therapist and consultant-in-training, and a life coach operating out of Plainville, CT. She specializes in treating clients with chronic attachment trauma and dissociation, and has passion in working with coaching clients who are learning how to reclaim their power after processing trauma.